Junk Food Review: Mountain Dew Voltage – Raspberry Citrus

I just picked up this electric blue can of Mountain Dew Voltage and this drink is fucking intimidating.  Just looking at the can made all my teeth grow arms and every single one of them gave me the middle finger simultaneously.  I knew I was getting ready to make a huge mistake.  The label says Voltage raspberry citrus flavor and ginseng, but to me it clearly translates to 5,000 cavities. The word voltage intrigued me. It lets me know this biohazard beverage has an extra caffeine kick, which is gravy in my book.  I’ve always been so-so with Mountain Dew, and I love raspberry, but to be honest most raspberry flavored beverages I’ve tried have been too extreme.  Extreme to the point of my face clinching up like a butthole so tight you couldn’t get a needle in it with a jackhammer.  I hesitate for a second and take the plunge.  I opened the can, poured it into a clear glass, and I just stared at it for about 5 minutes like a fucking lava lamp.  I start wondering if I should have worn a biohazard suit because my body feels like it decaying at an alarming rate. I hear a noise.  There’s a voice in my head.  I realize it’s my dentist speaking to me telepathically like Obi-wan Kenobi, but instead of telling me to use the force, the voice said, “I’ll be ready”.  Look at the blue bubbling liquid in the clear glass.  Just fucking look at it.  There’s no way I don’t turn into a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle after drinking this!  I took one sip, and I just couldn’t do it.

“I’ll be ready…”

I spit it out and dumped it down the sink like a little pussy.  If you need rubber gloves to handle it, it’s just not worth it.  Now I know a lot of gamers are big Dew fans.  It’s mildly refreshing and has caffeine to help us stay up while we raid and slay gnomes. If you’re one these people you might like Mountain Dew voltage, but I highly recommend trying another flavor.  They’re available in Supernova, Revolution, White Out, Dark Berry, Game Fuel (Wild Fruit), Game Fuel (Raspberry-Citrus), Ultra Violet, Blue Shock Freeze, Arctic Burst, and Thin Ice Freeze. Up side: I poured it down the sink, my drain isn’t clogged anymore.  The toxic chemicals cleared that out real quick.  Here’s an idea, make a combo pack that comes with toothpaste or mouthwash or at lease a HazMat label for fucks sake.