It’s hotter than fuck out here in the Chihuahuan Desert. I’m on the search for the rare Demonio Del Calor Jalapeño Bovine. I don’t know why the fuck I’m even hunting this thing… there’s no way a desert cow could taste remotely good. What could it possibly it eat? Sand, cacti, and scorpions? Goddammit this better […]
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It’s 3am and the PBR neon across the room appears in a blurry double. Your gut is sloshing around from the four $3 pitchers of Michelob Amber Bock you downed on your own. Half of your brain says “I am pitcher more, one are need. Shit, I beer some is… want… need. *grumble*grumble*” while the […]
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I just picked up this electric blue can of Mountain Dew Voltage and this drink is fucking intimidating. Just looking at the can made all my teeth grow arms and every single one of them gave me the middle finger simultaneously. I knew I was getting ready to make a huge mistake. The label says […]
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Pringles… you gone done fucked up this time. You pulled that shit where you just stared at me when I walked into the gas station… trying to lure me with your lies. You sit there all like “I’m a can of robust spicy wing sauce chips. I’m Xtreme, and I want to party on your […]
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You wake up, you scroll through all the gibberish text messages you sent your ex-girlfriend the night before, you face palm for a second… then it hits you. You have to drop a gnarly deuce so bad you now have Gumby legs. You basically slide your Jell-o like body across the floor, walk through […]
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