Junk Food Review: Jack Link’s Jalapeño Beef Jerky

It’s hotter than fuck out here in the Chihuahuan Desert. I’m on the search for the rare Demonio Del Calor Jalapeño Bovine. I don’t know why the fuck I’m even hunting this thing… there’s no way a desert cow could taste remotely good. What could it possibly it eat? Sand, cacti, and scorpions? Goddammit this better be worth it.

Finally I come face to face with the bastard. He’s pissed off and reeks of jalapeño. I have no clue why, but he seems to be wearing old shitty Wolverine boots on all feet. Weird. I think I need to lay off dro for the day. Anyhoo… the Jalapeño Bovine starts to go apeshit and (of all things) summons these 4 little bandido demons motherfuckers with silver rifles. “What THE fuck?!!!” I yell at the bull while pointing at the bandido demons. “SERIOUSLY. What THE fuuuck, man?!!!” Surely this wasn’t the peyote talking…… naaaaaaaah. Then bullets start firing at me. I bust out my super sick katana and use my ultra blade wielding skills to slice ALL the bullets half. The bandido demons are pretty freaked out at this point (as they should be), but only momentarily because in one fell swoop all of their heads are flying through the air. I then point my katana at the bull and say “Your turn, motherbitch”.

Demonio Del Calor is PISSED. He lets out a hellacious hot jalapeño snort and suddenly my eyes are watery and stinging. Now I can’t see shit. Fuck. It’s like BloodSport all over again. I go zen and reach for my katana.

DEFINITELY not the peyote…

In a rage of blindness… I bring on the fury. 19 uppercuts and 8 swipes of the katana later, the Demonio Del Calor Jalapeño Bovine falls dead. I start to get my vision back, and I notice the fucker is belly up and 86’d from life with diced up cacti all around me. It was time to tie this badboy up and feast on what I came for.

I tow the Demonio bovine back to my private adobe and bust out the dehydrator. Since this thing is already teeming with jalapeño, I feel no need to season. With my katana, I dice him up and pop the beef strips into the dehydrator. A few hours later, I have the Jalapeño Carne Seca that I have been seeking all these years. And oh MAN this shit is the jam! Nice heat, great jalapeño taste, and nice chewy meat with very few hard spots. And it’s full of FLAVOR! Fuck! I can’t stop eating this amazing beef jerk.

Suddenly my adobe starts to fade away. The sky is no longer green and magenta and has turned blue. I then find myself sitting in the middle of the desert, sunburned, and holding an empty bag of Jack Link’s Jalapeno Beef Jerky in my hand. Whoa. That was weird. Even the silica packet is gone (whoops!). Maybe it was the peyote afterall. Do I give a fuck? Hell no. I experienced my food, and that’s what counts, my friends.