What’s REALLY going on at Sega?

With the recent news of Sega‘s massive downsizing, I couldn’t help but muse… What the f*** is that company doing!?!?!?  Seriously, at one time Sega was one of the biggest gaming houses in the industry, and its flagship character Sonic was one of the most popular leads.  If you were a kid in the 90’s, then you pretty much know that spiky haired hedgehog was the much cooler and more stylish alternative to Nintendo’s fat, bumbling, Italian plumber.  So… how does Sega fall from being one of the greatest gaming monsters in the world, all the way down to one of the biggest stinkers… a fact that is only worsened by their current slide into bankruptcy.

Well, it turns out that we were able to get our hands on a super secret transcription of a meeting between Sega’s upper echelon that took place a few years ago, and  from the looks of things, I think we can solidly decide the cause of Sega’s ruin.

Alright, I’m going to be honest with you, this isn’t a real transcription, BUT… this is probably pretty close to how the company’s run.   Just shut up and check it out below, you’ll like it!  I swear!

Sega Headquaters- Somewhere in Death Valley, California- November 2006:

*Senior Game Developer Mike J. Buttz bursts into the room while his boss, Charmain Ralph A. Peterman is busy burying his face in a mountain of cocaine.*

Mike– Boss! The reviews are coming in for the new Sonic the Hedgehog game for the PS3 and Xbox 360 and—oh…I see your busy right now. I’ll come back later.

Ralph– Uh, no, no, it’s ok, my good man. Please you gotta try this! It’s some good shit right here! And bring that parrot in with you! *continues snorting the coke mountain*

Mike– What parrot? There’s no par— *sigh* Look, the first reviews have come in for the new Sonic game, and they’re not to good.

Ralph– *yelling through his drug-addled state* WTF IS A SONIC?!!?

Mike– *starting to get worried* I think I’ll come back another time…

Ralph– Well, whatever the **** it is, we’ll just keep making more of it. The people will buy this **** anyway, so why bother making something good when we’ll just make money off it no matter the quality?

*Mike pauses for a minute, then realizes that this ship is starting to sink*

Mike– Sir, I quit.

Ralph– Fine! More of this stuff for me, whatever the hell it is! Begone with you and your talk of Sonics!

*Ralph then returns to snorting coke like a pig at a buffet*

(Cut to 2012- A few weeks ago)

*Enter CEO Dan K. Wiggins into the same office as before. It’s a mess, with the room flooded with so much cocaine that it spills out into the hallway, and there’s a human skeleton behind the now morbidly-obese Ralph’s desk*

Dan– Sir, I think we need to think our game development procedure over.

Ralph– *drugged up beyond belief* Thank you, pizza delivery man, but I think I’ve had enough pudding for one day.

Dan– What the HELL are you talking abo—SWEET BABY JESUS, IS THAT A SKELETON!?

Ralph– What? No, it’s my—my—*wheeze* my Atari Jaguar CD! We’re still making games for those, right?

Dan– Well, that does it! You’re too coked up to even WORK! Hell, we don’t even ALLOW that stuff here anyway, so you’re breaking the law, too!

Ralph– *still drug-addled* You’re funny-looking. Why are you wearing a potato over your head?

Dan-………F*** this. SECURITY!!

Ralph– *Screaming nonsense now* WTF IS A SONIC?!?!?! Tell me, Mama Pistachios, I MUST KNOW!!!!

*The security guards come in, and drag the poor fat bastard out of the room*


*Present Day*

Dan– (to press) And that’s why, as of now, we’re canceling several of our weaker projects in order to focus on stronger IPs. That, and we’ve now up’d security and completely banned any drug use in the building that impairs thinking. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m  off to Disneyland to celebrate!