The Top Five MARVEL Schmucks

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Comic books are filled with schmucks, especially the Marvel Universe.  In all honesty, you can claim that the majority of Marvel characters are schmucks.  That is why we love them so much.  By the 1960s, people were sick and tired of perfect pretty boys like Superman and the other golden age heroes.  In 1961, Stan Lee and Jack Kirby launched the Marvel Age with Fantastic Four #1.  These new heroes in the Marvel U were easy to identify with because they were deeply flawed; they had confidence issues, difficulty sustaining relationships, were insecure, had financial difficulties and many clearly had mental health diagnoses.

But in a world of schmucks, who wins the prestigious title of being the most schmucky?

Top Five Marvel Schmucks

Peter Parker

peter parkerPeter Parker gains his power from his schmuckery.  He is a neurotic mess who fights to attain redemption for everything he screwed up.  He realizes what a fool he is and because of this, he is open to learning from his mistakes and trying his hardest to never make them again.  Peter proves that the problem with the world is not that it is filled with schmucks, but that most of the world refuses to acknowledge their schmuckery. 

Beast

beastThis Fuzzy schmuck has had more identity issues than the Chameleon.  When Beast heard there was a cure for mutants, the dude acted like he was giddy on cat nip.  After Cyclops gave him a sweet island home, this self hating bigot turned his back on the entire mutant race.  Oy, silly schmuck.  Then, in an effort to make Cyclops feel bad about saving mutant kind, Beast somehow pretty much destroy the time stream.  Beast is like your schmucky uncle.  You are stuck with him ‘cause he’s family, but you secretly despise him because he is a preachy pain in the butt. 

Scarlet Witch

scarletWanda Maximoff, AKA the Scarlet Witch, had a massive mental breakdown that ended up destroying the Avengers, including her robot husband.  She then had a bit of a temper tantrum and wiped out the majority of the mutant population.  What a schmuck.

Ant-Man (Hank Pym)

ant manHank Pym is a total schmuck, and not in a funny way.  To me he will always be a wife beater, plus the dude created the Avenger’s greatest enemy Ultron.  K, he is not just a schmuck, he qualifies as a total ass. 

The Guardians of the Galaxy

guardiansWho would have thought a buncha b-rate nobodies from outer space would be the biggest thing on Earth in the year 2014?  Peter Quill said it best, “When I look around, you know what I see? Losers.”  Of course, he quickly followed that up by saying, “I mean people who lost stuff. And man, we all have,” but to me the Guardians are my favorite team of schmucks.  The team is made up of a schmuck-faced robotic rodent, a muscle-headed maniac who cannot understand metaphors, a tree that repeats three words over and over, a green warrior woman who is wanted for multiple murders and some other guy.  What was that dude’s name? 

Who are your favorite Marvel schmucks?

Author
Jay Deitcher is a writer and licensed social worker from Albany, NY. He is currently taking MFA courses at the College of St. Rose. You can read his other work at JayDeitcher.com.
  • Sabretooth451

    It’ll come off as “nitpicking”, but…THAT’S Scott Lang. Not Hank Pym.

    • Jay

      Awesome catch. You get an official no-prize. Well done. Now, similar to how Marvel used to justify their continuity mistakes, I’mma give it a go. You see, that IS Hank Pym actually because when the space-time continuum was broke during Age of Ultron a lot of back issues got screwed up. The picture I used is from an alternate time line where Scott Lang never took over and Hank Pym continued as Ant-Man. So there ya go. You are both right and wrong at the same time.