6 Fanboy Solutions For Life’s Problems

Life is reluctant to throw us a bone. It’s prone to layering one problem after another. So how do we get over our hurdles? Well it all depends on your situation, what you’re willing to do, and with the right check list you can move on to the next issue with the confidence of the Thunder God himself.

Booby Traps

Your parents forgot about you and left you in charge of the house or in the big city. Finally some alone time! Problem is you got wanna-be burglars trying to ruin your day. Time to load up the bee bee gun and set up some booby traps that will leave your problem branded, scarred, and covered in feathers. Not everyone can be a pro like Kevin McCallister, but with the right amount of rope and imagination you can come up with some booby traps that would impress McGuyver.

Check List:1 Bee bee gun, 2 torches, A bunch of rope, 4 cardboard cutouts, 1 copy of Angels With Dirty Souls 1 & 2, Home supplies like an iron, paint, nails, lube, etc….This list could go on. Have fun and get creative with your environment.

Gypsy Curse

Can’t get an extension on you mortgage payments because someone is making the “tough decisions” and saying no to your requests in hopes of a promotion? Just place a gypsy curse on them. However, your house may still get repossessed by the bank, but atleast you die knowing that the scariest of all scary demons will be tormenting them for three days before literally dragging them to Hell. It’s the little things in life.

Check List: Gypsy magic, 1 object from the oppressor

Wrapped and Packaged

What’s a guy to do when a serial killer is on the loose and the metro police are unable to provide justice to the victims? Take care of it yourself and make reference to blood spatter specialist Dexter Morgan. If you’re sneaky, have enough plastic wrapping for a city, and access to a boat you might have a slice at justice. However, your homicidal tendencies may haunt you and everyone around will most likely fall victim to your killer ways.

Check List: The Code of Harry, etorphine, 1 syringe, 1 green outfit, 1 pair of gloves, 1 boat on the dock, 1 crazy alibi after another, 1 fancy collection of knives, 1 box of 42 gal trash bags, Crap-load of plastic wrapping

Blackmail Your Boss

Life at home hasn’t been everything it’s been hacked up to be. You’re life is pretty much dull and numbing and everyone is unappreciative of you (what’s their problem). So when your boss decides to fire you, just call shenanigans and blackmail those S.O.B.’s. Then go out and buy the car you’ve always wanted because let’s face it, you rule!

Check List: Years of dirt on the company, ZERO f***s given

Go Rogue

You got moles inside the mob and you got moles inside metro state police. You’d think with all the dirt you had on the mob boss you’d be able to just walk in to his home, read him his rights and send his cahoney to prison. Not that simple though and neither is this situation. Things take a turn for the worse when just about everyone involved is taken out, but the rat forgot about one person: you.

Check List: 1 silencer, 1 pair of gloves, 1 pair of shoe covers, 1 sports outfit or an outfit not normally worn

 Dragons

Got a burglar ruining your alone time? Get a dragon and live in peace. Serial killers are getting away with serial killings? Get a dragon and receive justice. Need to get your kingdom back? Get a dragon, but go ahead and grab two more. Its not easy obtaining these fire breathing creatures but once you do all it really takes is showing them respect and it doesn’t hurt to have a little dragon’s blood coursing through your veins to protect you from the fire. Having a dragon trumps all and dubs you The Most Bad A** Fanboy Across The Land. 

Check List: Courage, Dragon Manual, Dragon’s blood, 3 dragons eggs, but 1 will do

None of these will give you the great strength of Thor, but hopefully this fanboy list can help you deal with life’s undopest obstacles. However, there are plenty of other fanboy solutions like getting your hands on some ooze, hiring Steven Seagal, or by simply enjoying a peace of pie. So, whatever life throws at you just relax and think back to your favorite movie or television show (or video game). If not a solution, you will definitely find a viable distraction.