Have you ever watched Star Wars on a lazy evening with a group of friends and audibly pondered “What if Ricky Gervais was Obi-Wan Kenobi?” or something equally ridiculous and poorly chosen? I like to call those moments of sad judgement “Drunk Casting”. Whether you’re actually inebriated or not (although, I think the most ridiculous choices are made while under the influence of the amber stuff) we’ve all been guilty of it. Especially our UK Editor, Ciaran… give him 3 glasses of cider and he’ll try to convince you Jim Carrey would be the greatest James Bond ever, if only given a chance.
Well, back at our San Francisco offices of UTF, we squandered a sunny Sunday afternoon drinking to our heart’s content, merrily singing the “Song of the Green Dragon”, all in order to bring our readers a very special article. A Drunk Casting of THE HOBBIT AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY.
Beorn: Nick Offerman
I simply cannot imagine a better candidate for this role. Not only is Offerman a master craftsman, a trait for which Beorn is well noted in the Tolkien books, but he’s also a perfect physical match. Offerman’s a bear. A big ol’ hairy bear of a man. That sweet, luscious mustache, woven by the gods. A tall, glimmering pompadour, shining onto the landscape as a great symbol of virility. Those dark blue, accusatory eyes that just stare at you, saying “Hey! Hey, you! Yeah You! FUCK You!”.
Bilbo Baggins: Danny DeVito
Danny Devito is a degenerate. An awesome degenerate, one all the world should love and cherish, but still a bit of a wacky dude. If you’ve been following It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia for the past few years, then you know better than almost anyone that Devito belongs in Middle-Earth, in a hole in the ground, indulging in various cured meats and the finest ale in Hobbiton.
Gandalf: Martin Starr
This one might be a tough sell. Martin Starr may only be familiar to our readers for his supporting roles in Judd Apatow flicks, wherein he usually plays the part of bearded stoner… or simply a bearded, beardy, beard man. That’s kinda his thing.
BUT… if you’ve ever had a chance to check out some of his meatier performances, then you’ll see that he’s just zany enough to conquer this role. Or, at least I think he could. He and Gandalf both smoke an insane amount of pipe weed, so at least they’re somewhat similar in nature.
Thorin Oakenshield: Young Gene Hackman
Thorin Oakenshield is a badass on a mission. Young Gene Hackman was a badass on a mission (to France, or so I hear). Do I really have to explain myself?
That’s what I thought. This choice is sound!
Gollum: John Goodman
Imagine Gollum with a country accent, an ugly khaki vest, and an even worse temper. That’s pretty much what you’ll get if John Goodman played the character, and it’d be glorious!
Smaug: Nicolas Cage
I can’t even explain this in words. Just watch the video…