Drunk Casting: THE HOBBIT

Have you ever watched Star Wars on a lazy evening with a group of friends and audibly pondered “What if Ricky Gervais was Obi-Wan Kenobi?” or something equally ridiculous and poorly chosen? I like to call those moments of sad judgement “Drunk Casting”. Whether you’re actually inebriated or not (although, I think the most ridiculous choices are made while under the influence of the amber stuff) we’ve all been guilty of it.  Especially our UK Editor, Ciaran… give him 3 glasses of cider and he’ll try to convince you Jim Carrey would be the greatest James Bond ever, if only given a chance.

Well, back at our San Francisco offices of UTF, we squandered a sunny Sunday afternoon drinking to our heart’s content, merrily singing the “Song of the Green Dragon”, all in order to bring our readers a very special article.  A Drunk Casting of THE HOBBIT AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY.

Beorn: Nick Offerman

I simply cannot imagine a better candidate for this role. Not only is Offerman a master craftsman, a trait for which Beorn is well noted in the Tolkien books, but he’s also a perfect physical match. Offerman’s a bear. A big ol’ hairy bear of a man. That sweet, luscious mustache, woven by the gods. A tall, glimmering pompadour, shining onto the landscape as a great symbol of virility. Those dark blue, accusatory eyes that just stare at you, saying “Hey! Hey, you! Yeah You! FUCK You!”.

Bilbo Baggins: Danny DeVito

Danny Devito is a degenerate. An awesome degenerate, one all the world should love and cherish, but still a bit of a wacky dude. If you’ve been following It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia for the past few years, then you know better than almost anyone that Devito belongs in Middle-Earth, in a hole in the ground, indulging in various cured meats and the finest ale in Hobbiton.


Gandalf: Martin Starr

This one might be a tough sell. Martin Starr may only be familiar to our readers for his supporting roles in Judd Apatow flicks, wherein he usually plays the part of bearded stoner… or simply a bearded, beardy, beard man. That’s kinda his thing.

BUT… if you’ve ever had a chance to check out some of his meatier performances, then you’ll see that he’s just zany enough to conquer this role.  Or, at least I think he could.  He and Gandalf both smoke an insane amount of pipe weed, so at least they’re somewhat similar in nature.

Thorin Oakenshield: Young Gene Hackman

 Thorin Oakenshield is a badass on a mission.  Young Gene Hackman was a badass on a mission (to France, or so I hear).  Do I really have to explain myself?

That’s what I thought.  This choice is sound!

Gollum: John Goodman

 Imagine Gollum with a country accent, an ugly khaki vest, and an even worse temper.  That’s pretty much what you’ll get if John Goodman played the character, and it’d be glorious!

Smaug: Nicolas Cage

I can’t even explain this in words. Just watch the video…

What do you think? Do you have a dumber choice to add to our list? Sound off below!

S#!T Talking Central

  • VoudeauxChild

    Every single one of those castings sucks.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=15935803 Fats Mclemlich

      That’s the point! So did I succeed then?

  • Susan S.

    Yes, I’m late. However, I must add:

    Peter O’Toole, that late, great Irish bastard, as Smaug. No costume needed–just tell him to exhale, and light a match.

    Verne Troyer as Balin. Mike Myers as Dwalin, complete with terrible accent that makes you want to take his axes to him.

    The creepy twin girls from The Shining as Fíli and Kíli.

    Sonny and Cher as Dori and Nori. Chaz as Ori.

    Robin Williams as Bofur, Dr. Oz as Bombur, and Stephen Hawking as Bifur.

    Shirley MacLaine as Óin, and Gary Coleman, another late contender and once of payday loan ad fame, as the bankroller of the quest, Glóin.

    I should probably add that, despite the pallor, the black cat, and the Wednesday Addams wardrobe, I am not late in the same sense as Gary Coleman and Peter O’Toole.