The Leaked STAR WARS EPISODE 7 SCRIPT Is The Greatest Geek News Ever

Holy hell. A few mighty internet sleuths got their hands on a STAR WARS EPISODE 7 script and without venturing too far into hyperbole, the new Jedi-themed flick sounds like the greatest movie ever. Seriously.

Obvious spoilers ahead.

Our source paraphrased a few awesome moments from the script, and not wanting to spoil the entire flick, he kept his reveal to an absolute minimum. Apparently J. J. Abrams’s first Star Wars movie embraces the traditional opening scroll, after which, the camera focuses on a spaceship, the expected sci-fi trope, Luke Skywalker’s severed hand tumbling through space. Gripping his classic green lightsaber, Luke’s appendage falls towards a barren desert planet. Tatooine, if I had to guess. The folks at Badass Digest describe it much better than I could, so I’ll use their words for the rest of the script description.

luke-skywalker-movie-josh-trank

One is Daisy Ridley. The other is John Boyega, who is playing someone trying to change his path in life (again, I’m keeping it vague here). They recognize the light saber as a Jedi relic and decide to return it to the proper people.

Their quest takes them off world, and they meet up with Han Solo and Chewbacca, who aren’t flying around in the Millenium Falcon anymore but are piloting… well, that could be a spoiler. I’ll leave it. Anyway, Han and Chewie recognize the light saber as Luke’s, and they say they haven’t seen their friend in thirty years, since the events of Return of the Jedi.

Holy Hell!!! That sounds like the coolest, most ominous, most left field plot in the world. Nothing like we’ve seen in the Expanded Universe books. I can’t believe Luke Skywalker’s been incognito for 30 years!!! 30 years!!!
I suppose J. J. Abram is notorious for updating classic canon, but this new twist on Star Wars couldn’t be his alone. George Lucas crafted a story for this New Trilogy, and I think it’s safe to assume he possessed final say in its direction. Especially since he originally drafted a far darker ending to Return of the Jedi. If that classic flick adhered to the first draft, Luke Skywalker would’ve failed, the Empire would’ve defeated the Rebels, and Luke would’ve transformed from a righteous Jedi into a roaming Ronin warrior.

Sounds pretty familiar, especially after reading this script synopsis.

Author
Heyo. I'm Nick Dourian, the Editor-In-Chief around these parts. Now, I went to a few other sites, read a few awesome bios, and I really want to fabricate a badass origins story for myself, but I'm feeling particularly unimaginative today, so 'f' that jazz. I read comics, drink bourbon, and cook meats. Imagine Ron Swanson, but with a fuller beard and cuter eyes.
  • Matthew Milbrodt

    This sounds absolutely horrible. Such a shame Star Wars might come to this. As a Star Wars fan since birth it pains me to say this but if this is actually the story and it’s as bad as I think it will be, I hope they just cancel Episodes 8 and 9. There’s no “new Star Wars for a new generation of fans” bull crap, if they can’t make a movie even remotely based on the Expanded Universe books, and they don’t want to continue making Expanded Universe books, I might be for just ending it all and letting Star Wars become something like H.P. Lovecraft stories are today.

    • Don Barnett

      Face it, no one cares about the books….me included. What we want is a good movie. You sound as bad as the Trek fans when the new Star Trek came out.

      • nerdrrage

        The Trek fans were right about the new Star Trek movies (at least the last one). Just because fans complain does not mean they’re right. Brace yourselves for a bad fanfic version of Star Wars on the big screen.

      • giorgio-cze

        I care about the books. But obviously almost everybody is too lazy to use their own imagination while reading a book. So let’s rather leave the job of creative thinking to someone else and have a good movie. Or a bad one. Doesn’t matter. As long as there are enough explosions it will be entertaining enough. But don’t you dare to think on your own. Don’t you dare to use your own imagination. Else your head might hurt. Now sit down comfortably, enjoy a nice blockbuster movie and let your government take care of everything. They will think for you and make decisions for you so you don’t have to. See, and in that spared time you would have wasted by turning your intellect on you can rather watch another movie! Great! Everything is OK! Don’t worry, the government people love you (it is their job after all, right?), they would never do anything that would be bad for you. And only crazy people believe that 9/11 was an inside job. G.W. Bush “the warm-hearted” and his kindly government would not have let that happen. Or would he? No, off course not. They tried everything to prevent it. But despite their never-ending effort, a guy on dialisis from a cave, who got younger and younger on the tapes and his hair turned constantly from gray to brown (He surely knew how to live forever that bastard, I am glad american soldiers killed him in 2010.But wait! Banazhir Butto said he was already dead in 2007 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4MBTd5QNGB0 and a few weeks after she was assassinated. Hmm, interesting…) and who had the most prehistoric equipment got past the most sophisticated defense system in the world because…er, because all US military jets were on vacation that day. What a bad day for America. Or was it? US got to Iraq and Afghanistan (there is lot of oil there) after this, got its economics boosted and the extensive repair of WTC that would have cost more than new buildings didn’t have to take place. If there had not been so many dead people, it would have been quite a successful day. But even if you believe 9/11 was an inside job (and I see no reason why you should think anything so treacherous and antipatriotic), there is no more Bush. Now there is Obama and he is much nicer fella (except some crazy people believe all politicians are just the same puppets of bankers and of Federal reserve, which is by the way not federal but owned by private owners and nobody knows who they are and which indebts the USA by creating currency out of thin air and loaning it to the government for an interest. You see, such a funny misconception of some nuts, who would believe that?). And if you ever feel insecure, see another movie made by our loving buddies from Hollywood.

        • phlipper170

          And David Frost is dead now too… wow… he must have known too much.

  • nerdrrage

    This sounds like particularly bad fanfic. Sadly, since Abrams is involved, it will probably turn out to be true. He likes to turn bad fanfic into big budget franchise movies. See Star Trek into Darkness for a preview of things to come.

  • Drunk Richard

    Not sure why people get so worked over this stuff- it’s fun and after all the BS from Phantom Meance I think anyone with 1/2 a brain knows it not real

  • Captainobvious

    So, the severe hand holding Luke’s green lightsaber (so in fact one of Anakin’s) is supposed to enter the atmosphere of the planet and land softly on the ground ? In one piece ? And not at all on fire ?

    Besides, how do you know the lightsaber is green ? You mean it’s on ? After 30 years ?

    By the way, Luke’s hand fell from Cloud city, which floats above gas giant Bespin, so the gravity should have taken it down into the core of the planet, not up to open space…

    I don’t think this is the actual script, it’s more like a prank to me. Well, obviously…

    • Beck

      Actually in EU this is the plot for episode seven–sort of. Not in space, but his hand is recovered to create a clone army of luke skywalkers. Palpatine is resurrected, and he also finds genetic fiber of Vader, and creates an army of Lukes and Vaders and also Darth Mauls. It’s a mess. I’m curious if this is what JJ has planned.

  • Larry Page

    “Skywalker’s severed hand tumbling through space. Gripping his classic green lightsaber, Luke’s appendage falls towards a barren desert planet. Tatooine, if I had to guess.” –

    This is not what badass says. You’ve embellished somewhat. For instance, it doesn’t say it’s Luke’s severed hand – Han and Chewie just recognise it as Luke’s light saber. It’s not mentioned either that it’s his green light saber. And no, it’s not specified that the planet it falls to is Tatooine.

  • Brent S. Arrowitz

    lukes hand never got severed with the green one,it was blue…and thats darth vaders hand you have as the headline pic…

  • Tony

    When his hand was cut off he was holding his Blue lightsaber, his fathers…..he never lost his hand with the green one, He has the green lightsaber on his belt at the Ewok Jamboree at the end of ROTJ……so obviously it is a hoax, you would think the writers would know that little piece of info right?

  • Chris Davidson

    hey dipshits. How can his hand be floating in space when he lost it on cloud city. Morons!