“Battleship” Trailer: You Just Sunk My Childhood

Remember those boring Saturdays with Big Brother X or Little Sister So-and-So? It was raining, Mom’s preoccupied, nothing’s on the tube, internet wasn’t invented yet, and even as a 7-year old you’re ready to commit hari kari just to relieve the monotony? Then you remember you have Battleship, the fourth greatest board game ever.

Time to round up those missing boats and warn your sibling of the consequences of looking over the dividing wall. Placing your ships in what is your silly idea of strategic positions, you begin to fight…then the aliens with oddly similar tech to Bayformers, Rhianna, Qui-Gon Jinn, and the dude from True Blood show up and the rest is history. Wait…what? That’s not quite how I recall it…

But apparently that’s what Hasbro wants us to accept with their newest attempt at poking a dead 80’s horse with a stick, in hopes that it will jump up and prance. I’m surprised this was made at all, but should I be? Am I so naive as to think that certain simple nostalgic nuggets should be sacred? I mean, I understand Transformers and GI Joe…those lend themselves nicely to film. But when you have to twist the premise of something so radically to make a plot happen, you’re really just squatting on the source material and firing one out for the sake of money.

Who knows? Maybe it’ll be worth watching if I don’t have any expectations. What say you?

 Directed by Peter Berg. With Alexander Skarsgård, Brooklyn Decker, Liam Neeson, Rihanna. A fleet of ships is forced to do battle with an armada of unknown origins in order to discover and thwart their destructive goals