It’s Thirsty Thursday at Mos Eisley Spaceport, and Chalmun’s Cantina is alive with the repetitive stylings of Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes. They’ve just gone ska, and you aren’t entirely sure you like their new sound. You won’t be able to make it through this night alone; you need a drinking companion. Scanning your surroundings, you see several viable candidates. There’s a scruffy-looking nerf herder in the corner, but he seems preoccupied with his Rodian acquaintance. There’s a gorgeous woman in red who you wouldn’t mind flirting with, but she’s busy chatting up a mousey young Balosar death stick dealer. You think you’ve seen the two before, at the Outlander Club on Coruscant. But the night is young. Surely you’ll meet someone. The question is…who?
This is the scene that runs through my mind as I write this article. But I should make an admission here—I don’t drink. I haven’t for a little over two years. Don’t get me wrong—I’ve had drinks since then. But both times turned out badly, and I’m not ready to repeat them. Still, I occasionally meet people who I wish I’d known earlier in life, back before I discovered just how terrible I am at holding my liquor. And as odd as it sounds, a number of those people are fictional characters. How fun would it be to play beer pong with Hawkeye, get drunk dialed by Morpheus, or sing drinking songs with Merry and Pippin? So when my Editor-in-Chief told me that he had this idea for Star Wars Week and wouldn’t have time to write it, I leapt at the opportunity.
To be clear, there are some classic characters that I won’t be mentioning. Characters that would top most people’s lists, but just don’t happen to be on mine. I wouldn’t want to drink with Han Solo, because he’d be a terrible wingman. He’d take all the cute Twi’lek girls for himself, while I moped around in the corner after getting shot down by a Pa’lowick. Boba Fett’s a no-go, too. Seeing him with his helmet off would bring back too many painful memories of how much his father disappointed me. And I can’t do shots with Yoda because…well, because drinking gives me a temper. After thirty minutes of listening to his weird verbal dyslexia (anastrophe, for you linguists out there), I’d want to punch him right in his little Muppet face. I like to think I’m pretty sturdy, but I don’t know if I could survive getting Force-pushed through the wall of the cantina.
With that said, there are a few characters who sprang instantly to mind when this article was proposed to me. So without further delay, here are the five Star Wars characters I’d want included in my night of convivial stupor.
Sebulba is essentially the unsung villain of the Prequel Trilogy. This desert-dwelling Dug is not without his fans, but that’s just the thing. His fans are all he has. Podracing is everything to him, which is why he’s so willing to risk killing his opponents in order to win.
Think about it for a second. The Boonta Eve Classic seems to pay quite a bit. The winnings are enough to repair the hyperdrive on Qui-Gon’s ship, while leaving enough to satisfy Watto’s greed. But up until The Phantom Menace, Sebulba has been the victor. He’s also presumably participated in quite a few other major events, since Anakin’s not old enough to have a history with Sebulba if they were only racing once every year (granted, I couldn’t really tell you how long a year lasts on a planet with two suns). So if Sebulba constantly wins his races, why does he appear to spend most of his time in cantinas and shoddy-looking outdoor restaurants on Tatooine?
Because all of his money is going toward repairs and improvements. And those hot Twi’lek slaves, the only consistent women in his life. That’s why Sebulba pilots a Podracer so large that Anakin’s entire repulsorcraft fits between Sebulba’s engines. He’s overcompensating for the lack of substance in his life by throwing himself into a sport that most people outside of the Outer Rim don’t seem to care about. And that’s why he’s so willing to cheat, even if it means that a child might be killed in the process.
And if we’re getting into the emotional depth of the character, let’s actually talk about his relationship with Anakin for a second. Sebulba could have sabotaged Anakin’s Podracer much worse if he wanted to, but I don’t think he actually wanted Anakin to die. Sebulba needs Anakin in the same way that the Joker needs Batman. He needs a nemesis, someone to challenge him and keep him on his game. In an episode of The Clone Wars, we learn from a background poster that his new rival in Anakin’s absence is Ben Quadrinaros, the plump little Toong whose power couplings malfunctioned and destroyed his craft before he ever left the starting line in Episode I. Maybe Ben got really good at racing in the ten years that passed between Phantom Menace and the cartoon, but it’s just as likely that Sebulba killed all of his decent competitors and was left with the only rival stupid enough to continue racing against him.
Sebulba is basically the high school quarterback who impressed the locals but never got a college scholarship. He’s now stuck on a nowhere planet, trying to maintain his glory despite always wanting more. That’s why I want to have a drink with him. I like to think that I could buy him a few shots and tell him that the little boy he almost murdered was none other than Darth Vader. He’ll sell the movie rights to his story, and that race against Anakin will become the plot of the Star Wars version of Valkyrie, in which Sebulba takes the place of Claus von Stauffenberg. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll get to see him truly fulfilled.
Yes, this guy is the rancor’s caretaker in Episode VI. His original action figure actually just referred to him as “Rancor Keeper,” but apparently he was given a name at some point. It also turns out that he trains more than rancors. Much like Chris Pratt’s Owen in Jurassic World, Malakili trains his animals from a young age in order to establish a rapport. That’s probably why his weapon of choice is the non-lethal gaderffii stick. This isn’t a guy who wants to risk murdering his animals, even if they get out of line.
There’s not as much to say about this one, but I still had to include him. He only appears for a few seconds in Return of the Jedi, but his appearance is enough to tell us a few things about him.
First, good ol’ Mal here can clearly knock a few back. I’m sure that Jabba’s Palace is full of good eats, but he looks more like he’s rockin’ a beer belly if you ask me. And if Salacious Crumb (that cackling rat-looking thing) gets free booze for acting as the Hutt’s jester, it would only make sense for Mal to get wined and dined for providing an actual service.
The second thing about Mal to pique my interest is the fact that he cries so openly after Luke wantonly murders his pet. Yes, he raised the thing himself. But let’s return to our Jurassic World comparison. Owen witnessed the deaths of three animals that he had been training from birth, and he barely even looked perturbed. And that’s a movie in which the whole point of Chris Pratt’s character is how much he cares about dinosaurs. Malakili is a guy who works for a gangster and watches people die on a daily basis. Why is this one rancor so important to him?
They clearly have a history together. I bet that a few drinks would get him to open up about it. I have no idea what I’ll hear—or even if I want to—but I’m willing to listen if he’s willing to share. After all, the guy managed to become best friends with one of the deadliest beasts in the Original Trilogy. He deserves a congratulatory Jägerbomb or two for the feat. Or, in this case, a Jägerbomb of mourning.
Just because I cut Boba doesn’t mean I was going to consider this list complete without at least one bounty hunter on it. And Cad Bane has to be one of the better ones in the franchise. Jango Fett’s death in Attack of the Clones paved the way for Bane to become the galaxy’s leading bounty hunter in The Clone Wars, and his role on that show remains one of my better justifications for watching Cartoon Network in my 20s.
Bane is a guy who knows a lot of secrets. And money might be the only way to make him talk, but I’m willing to try liquor if there’s a chance that it might work. Bane is one of the only beings in the galaxy who may or may not know that Jabba’s uncle Ziro was murdered by the singer Sy Snootles. But what else does he know?
After all, this is a guy who’s worked with some of the most powerful men in the galaxy. He briefly had a run-in with a younger Boba Fett, and he even worked with Obi-Wan for a time (although he didn’t technically know who Obi-Wan was). Those are just the stories that we know about. Bane has been all over, and he’s likely to have some pretty good tales. Even if he isn’t willing to share some of his more secretive ones, it should be fun to hear him talk for an evening. He can tell me what it was like to be one of the only non-Force users in the Star Wars universe to ever wield a lightsaber. He can tell me how he manages to keep his hat on straight when he’s running around causing mayhem. And maybe he can even help me get a pair of those breathing tubes of his, so that I’ll finally have a decent Halloween costume.
Plus, the dude looks like Clint Eastwood had an ugly baby with the alien from Destroy All Humans! Tell me it wouldn’t be fun to spend an evening with that.
To be honest, I just wanted to include one pretty girl on my list, and Deliah Blue seemed like the best option. But before you get the wrong impression, I’m not trying to intoxicate her so that I can get into her pants. In fact, I wouldn’t want to. She’s pretty loyal to Cade Skywalker in Star Wars: Legacy, and I like to think that I’m mature enough to respect that. Especially since her loyalty is rather unique, given that the Zeltron race is generally polyamorous. And while Cade eventually ran off with a cute redhead (can’t blame him for that), I wouldn’t want to risk hitting on a crack shot like Deliah while she’s still overcoming her grief.
You might be thinking I sound like a pretty stand-up guy right now. Well, you can do away with that notion. My explanation here is still purely sexual.
See, Blue is a bit of a party girl. In other words, she’s fun to have around if you’re going to be out drinking somewhere. But if there’s one quality that defines Deliah besides her love for partying, it’s her loyalty to her friends. And if you’re going to have a loyal friend, you may as well have one with a few connections. That’s why Deliah is such a nifty drinking buddy, because she happens to have a ridiculously solid connection with every single person she meets.
This connection comes from an innate Zeltron power allowing Deliah to create pheromones. She’s also an empath, meaning that she knows how everyone around her is feeling. So after using her pheromones to coerce the bouncers into granting us admission to all the best clubs on Coruscant, she could use her empathic abilities to let me know whether or not my lame pick-up lines are doing the trick on that Hapan beauty at the bar.
Granted, Deliah Blue is also known for being a bit loose when she’s not attached to anybody. So taking her to a bar for the sole purpose of finding a hook-up would be something of a dangerous prospect, and it’s pretty likely that she’d run off at some point to flirt with some young Chiss. But hey, you can’t expect loyalty from a friend if you aren’t willing to let them sew their own wild oats. She’s her own woman, and that’s one of the things I like about her. But she spends most of the comics standing behind other characters (primarily Cade), so at least spending an evening out together would give her some more time in the spotlight.
The whole thing’s really a moot point anyway, since Star Wars: Legacy no longer exists after the death of the expanded universe. Still, I feel very strongly that Deliah Blue would be one of the better drinking partners in the whole of the Star Wars franchise. She’s fun, she’s seen a part of the Star Wars timeline that isn’t really explored outside of her comic books, and it isn’t the worst thing in the world to have an attractive female friend around. You might actually say she’s my top choice out of everyone on this list.
Actually, scratch that. As odd as this may sound, my top choice is someone who can’t drink at all….
I won’t lie, I actually tried to Google whether or not droids could get drunk. And George Lucas needs to get his priorities in order, because I could not find that information anywhere.
Does it matter, though? It might be fun to sip a glass of Corellian brandy and just watch this roly-poly mother-lover spin around a bit. If you’ve seen any videos of the BB-8 toys in action, you already have a pretty good idea regarding what the little guy would look like if he had a nice buzz going. In lieu of the ability to actually booze up the droid himself, I could probably replicate the experience by simply screwing up my own vision with a few tall mugs of Ebla beer.
Actually, watching those videos makes me think it might almost be good that you can’t get these things drunk. I imagine it would be a little bit like letting your dog drink liquor out of a bucket. Y’know…one of those things that sounds funny but feels unethical. Sure, it’s fun to watch him run around and act stupid, but you feel bad not knowing whether or not he’s actually enjoying it. Even so, don’t tell me you wouldn’t get this little snowman-looking robot hammered if you could.
That pretty much concludes my list of characters to have fun with at the cantina. I obviously have stronger feelings about some than others, but I feel confident that a few drinks of Lum and Ebla with any one of these characters would make for a pretty fun night. But until I find that galaxy far, far away, I’ll have to make due with imagination. Fortunately, I’ve got that in spades.
Don’t agree with my choices? That’s fine. We have much more material coming at you as Star Wars Week continues in the lead-up to The Force Awakens on Friday, December 18.
S#!T Talking Central