Every Transformers Movie Sucks For This 1 Reason!

They’re too damn long.

Every Transformers movie, from subtitle-less first through Age of Extinction, sucks for that one reason. Because, let’s face it, for the first hour and a half they’re pretty damn satisfying action flicks. Nothing original, nothing genre breaking, but quality popcorn films.

Then there’s an extra 45 minutes tacked on. You know, just incase you haven’t seen Optimus Prime mortally wounded then miraculously healed enough times. Toss in a few extra scenes of sweaty, orange tinged human protagonists, and baby you’ve got a stew going… or a Bayformers.


Really, when we dive into the nitty gritty, Michael Bay’s Transformers are perfectly adequate action movies. The Robots in Disguise offer the perfect characters for no-holds barred fight scenes. Without fear of an R rating (because robots can totally stab each other in the chest without the MPAA complaining) Bay’s been able to deliver some truly visceral brawls. Remember when Optimus tore that dude’s face in half? Or how about the time he finally killed Megatron in Dark of the Moon? That was perfect, popcorn eating pulp.

And envy-inspired hatred aside, Shia Labeouf shined as the humorous human anchor. Besides the vapid story, which Avengers has proven isn’t a necessity, these Transformers movies are top notch action flicks. What’s the substantial difference between the 93% critics approved Avengers and the 57% approved Transformers (2007). As the asshole contrarian that I am, I would venture to say not much. Both movies occupy the same space in my geeky heart. Dare I say, Transformers was better directed?

Please don’t kill me, fanboys!