I’m Convinced The EWOKS Ate Dead Stormtroopers During the BBQ In RETURN OF THE JEDI

After scrambling out of bed in a bourbon fueled haze and downing my ever faithful hangover cure (rice powder, chili flakes, and Sprite… trust me, it works), I decided to misuse the first few hours of my workday by cruising the dangerous back alleys of the interwebs, as one’s wont to do. I eventually stumbled onto Reddit, where I unearthed one of the greatest twists in all of fandom.

Better than Papa Vader’s “I am your father”.

Far superior to Bruce Willis’s ghosty ways in Sixth Sense.

Even greater than Gandalf’s return as Aryan Jesus in LOTR.

I’m talking about Ewoks people! You know those cuddly little bears from RETURN OF THE JEDI? Yeah… the same ones you named your Shih Tzu after (RIP Wicket… you died too soon, and my rear bumper will never look the same). Well, I hate to break it to you, but they’re cannibals. ┬áMaybe that’s playing a little too loose with terms, since the furry fuckers are technically a different species than humans, but it’s still sentient-munching-sentient action.

Gotta love that white meat…

Allow my good friend, and occasional Jedi acolyte, Nameless88 explain it to you…

The first time we meet the Ewoks in the series, they capture Luke and the crew, and C3PO translates that basically their intent is they’re going to eat them. This is before C3PO gets treated like a God and gets them to let his friends go.

…In the end scene in the movie, they’ve just defeated the Death Star, blew that son of a bitch sky high, and the Ewoks are having a feast.

…What exactly are the Ewoks eating? There is a xylophone made of storm trooper skulls and chest plates…and they’re having a feast.

The Ewoks aren’t celebrating the death of the Empire. They don’t even understand anything about the socioeconomic structure of the galaxy outside of their little forest. They thought C3PO was a God, so clearly they are unaware of technology. Their celebration wasn’t because of Freedom, it was because they just got the motherload of tender human flesh vittles.

That cute little Ewok plushie you had as a kid? You know the one. Wicket? Yeah, that little fucker eats people.

And, by extension, the entire main cast of Star Wars might be cannibalistic, too. I mean, I dunno. They’re attending the banquet. Hopefully they had some fruit there, too, and some berries that the Ewok women scavenged from the forest. I’m really hoping Luke and the gang didn’t try the veal.

Freaky shit, right? If only George Lucas had emphasized this little tidbit in the flick, then the final battle would be a little less lame. I couldn’t have been the only one unimpressed with the “Care Bears save the day!” deus ex.

Rave Yoda understands my pain…

Yes, this is just an excuse to post an awesome Yoda pic. Deal with it.

SOURCE: reddit

Heyo. I'm Nick Dourian, the Editor-In-Chief around these parts. Now, I went to a few other sites, read a few awesome bios, and I really want to fabricate a badass origins story for myself, but I'm feeling particularly unimaginative today, so 'f' that jazz. I read comics, drink bourbon, and cook meats. Imagine Ron Swanson, but with a fuller beard and cuter eyes.
  • Oron_kira

    If you put it that way…

  • mephistopheles

    I think a much more interesting fact is that everybody in the world knows what an Ewok is. But only a small percentage has delved into the star wars universe further than the 3 original films and YET…..the word Ewok is never mentioned in the films but we all know what they are. amazing.

    • Lev186211

      That’s more interesting than the article, which is still fairly interesting. Good point.

    • http://twitter.com/mixta110 MIXTER

      Excellent point! And it led me to this, Wicket isn’t mentioned either, and get this.. I’ve always known Wicket W Warwick as his full name, and I’ve always known Warwick Davis was in the outfit, but never clicked Wicket was also named after Warwick.

      Also, as the Stormtroopers wrere clones, that makes them Genetically modified food too.

      And even if as someone said they didn’t eat the Troopers, they were at least going to cook Han Solo, they even lit the fire. And see how scorched those stormtrooper drum kit helmets looked.

      • Evilking007

        Stormtroopers werent clones dummy. They were recruits

  • Jay

    By your explanation, the Ewoks are definitely NOT cannibals. The definition of a cannibal is eating their own kind. Your explanation describes them eating humans. Thus, making them carnivores or omnivores like humans are. You may be correct about the main characters being cannibals if they did indeed eat some storm troopers.

  • nate

    Very nice observation. I’ve watched the movie at least a dozen times, and never realized the “tender human flesh vittles.” Thanx for the insight.

  • jojo

    But storm troopers are clones… not really real people. They are undefinable in a sense, so would it actually make them cannibals?

  • uyfjhgf

    i always assumed they ate the stormtroopers

  • http://www.unleashthefanboy.com/ Ciaran James

    thats why my hamster Wickett W Warwick always bit me… IT ALL MAKES SENSE!

    Love the Yoda image too, I have a t-shirt with it on

  • Satan

    Jesus, clwon didnt even know what cannibal is

  • Dewendell

    This article is just plain stupid. The last commentator had it right on. The definition of a cannibal is eating their own kind. Do you see Ewoks eating other Ewoks in the movie? No, you do not. By this author’s definition, a shark would considered a cannibal for eating humans. Ewoks are not cannibals.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jesse.johnson.9843 Jesse Johnson

    WRONG. The main characters were caught in an Ewok trap meant for some indigenous animal that they did intend to eat. There is no evidence in the film that the Ewoks would have eaten our heros. They might very well have killed them as unknown enemies but we simply don’t know if they would have eaten them. At the end of RotJ, the xylophone is made of Storm Trooper HELMETS not skulls.

    So your whole argument has no support in the films.

  • http://www.facebook.com/shawn.carr.946 Shawn Carr

    doesn’t make them cannibals. they aren’t eating other ewoks…they are furry hunters!

  • Bob

    Stormtrooper armor must SUCK, seriously sticks and rocks can kill them? I thought this was the future. I guess the Emperor had to make some major budget cuts for the new Death Star.

  • http://www.djhomeless.com/ DJ Homeless Mike

    Ewoks ate people, and they probably ate enemy tribes of ewoks after a battle. They’re cannibals for sure. The duloks were a tribe of enemy Ewoks and I bet they ate each other every once and a while.

  • Conspiracy Waltz

    Late to the party… but, 1) the author knows that ‘technically’ Ewoks aren’t cannibals; his point is, they eat people. 2) this fact is clear in the film. C3PO specifically says, Luke and co. are to be the main course of a banquet in his honor (remember, the Ewoks things 3PO is a god). Han is tied to a spit and hovering over an open flame, which he tries to blow out… So yeah, the Ewoks, Eating People. It’s true. All of it.