5 Reasons THE DARK KNIGHT TRILOGY Films Weren’t True Batman Movies


Hold on a second, I have to grab a few things before I can begin this article. Let’s see; Kevlar vest? Check. Troll repellent? Check. Hammer and chisel to carve the headstone on my soon to be dead internet writing career? Check and check? Okay, let’s slaughter some sacred cows. As unpopular as this may make me, I’m just going to come out and say it… Though they were outstanding films, Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight Trilogy were not good Batman movies. You can throw all the tired clichés you want (Nolan wanted to make a realistic Batman movie, they were a re-imagining, etc.) violently at my sacrilegious head, it doesn’t change the fact that when you make a movie about the Caped Crusader, there are some things you just don’t change (and how exactly is a movie about a billionaire ninja in a gimp suit punching clowns and dominatrix Anne Hathaways realistic?).

 

1. Gadgets

I am only going to say this one more time; I really enjoyed the Chris Nolan movies, especially the Dark Knight. That being said, one of the things that really bothered me about his vision of Batman is the utter lack of gadgets. Seriously, how many times did Bats dig into his handy dandy utility belt for just the right tool in the trilogy’s 6-plus hours? The only gadgets that I remember were batarangs, smoke bombs, and that clunky EMP gun. Sure he used his grapnel gun a few times, but sheesh I haven’t seen a Batman walking that much since San Diego decided to have a marathon the same weekend as Comic-Con.  The real Batman (you know the one from the comics) lived and died by his utility belt. Anytime he was in a jam all he had to do was reach into his belt and tada it had exactly what he needed. Sometimes it was something as simple as a sharp piece of metal to cut through a rope to more complex things like a tiny cutting torch, remote-controlled batarangs, and of course kryptonite. Hell, that belt even saved Terry McGinnis’ life once, and he was wearing a cybernetic power-suit.

 

 

2.No Batmobile

Okay, I’ll let number one slide. At least there were a few gadgets. Something I can’t forgive was the absence of the most iconic pop culture vehicle this side of the Millennium Falcon (or U.S.S. Enterprise for all you Trekkers), the Batmobile. From the classic Lincoln Futura that Adam West drove in the 60’s to the gaudy LED-lit version in the 1997 crapfest Batman & Robin, Batman and the Batmobile go together like peanut butter and jelly. Yes I know that the Nolan films had the “Tumbler”, and I know that it was inspired by Frank Miller’s infamous graphic novel the Dark Knight Returns, but that’s no excuse. If you’re going to claim that the Dark Knight movies are the most important Batman films of our generation, why feature a version of the Batmobile that was only used in a single graphic novel? (And don’t give me that realistic crap either, because a fracking crime-fighting tank is NOT “realistic”)

 

3. Christian Bale

Something tells me that I didn’t bring enough troll repellent, but here goes nothing. This is not a knock against Christian “Don’t Interrupt Me While I’m Filming” Bale’s acting chops. He was great in American Psycho and Nolan’s own The Prestige. Nor am I saying that the stoic-faced Brit isn’t fit to star in a superhero movie (in fact he’d make an outstanding Dr. Strange). Actually, that last sentence does include one of my grievances against Bale. Bruce Wayne is not now, nor was he ever British. As good as an actor as C.B. is, he couldn’t mask that English accent no matter how hard he tried (and he tried really hard). Maybe it’s because I was raised on a strict diet of Kevin Conroy and Michael Keaton, but Alfred’s the only one who is supposed to sound like he’s waiting for tea time. Nationalities notwithstanding, there is another reason why I feel Mr. Bale wasn’t right for the role. Mainly that he is NOT an action star by any means (just watch Terminator: Salvation if you don’t believe me) and in most movies he can overshadow this with his patented “serious look and hoarse whisper” style of dramatic acting. Unfortunately, the role of Batman is one where action is not only needed, it is a damn requirement. Sure, Bale’s Bats was a trained ninja who knew how to kick some ass, but every fight scene (especially his battles against Bane) seemed forced and over-choreographed to me. Maybe I’m nitpicking, but if you ask me, a Batman fight scene is supposed to look like this.

 

 

4.More Annoying Casting Choices

In my last entry I mentioned that having a British actor playing a historically American role tends to bug me. Well sometimes I think Christopher Nolan specifically set out to make a series of Batman movies full of British actors just to irk me, but I digress. Some of these casting choices were forgivable (if Liam Neeson could get a memorable character out of the Phantom Menace there’s nothing bad to be said of the man). Anne Hathaway did a commendable job as Catwoman. Only knock I got there is Selina Kyle is supposed to be blond, but whatever. No, the biggest, most offensive miscast in the entire trilogy was Tom Hardy as Bane. Not only did we have a British actor in a non-British role, we had a British actor in a Hispanic role. In the comics/cartoons/video games Bane is a Lucha Libre-inspired steroid junkie that breaks Batman’s back. In the Dark Knight Trilogy Bane is a Hannibal Lector-inspired speech junkie that breaks Batman’s back. That’s so wrong it borders on racism, but hey it’s just a movie right. Right?

 

 

5. Heath Ledger’s Joker

And now for the entry that will be the proverbial “nail in the coffin” for my internet writing career. As moving as Heath Ledger’s turn as Gotham’s resident Clown Prince of Crime was (it was to die for…too soon?), it just didn’t do it for me. I mean sure he was crazy, wore a purple suit and make-up, and just about killed Ol’ Pointy Ears more than once, but that was about all he had in common with the lethal loon that paralyzed Barbara Gordon and beat Jason Todd into a bloody pulp. Where was the obsession with laughing gas? Where were the kooky-yet-deadly gadgets? And most importantly, where was the crazy love/psychotic hate relationship that exists solely between Batman and the Joker? Sure, Ledger’s Joker spouted out more quotables than the lovechild of Robert Frost and William Shakespeare, but “let me tell you how I got these scars” does not a true Joker make.

 

I could go on (and on) but my editor is probably going to kill me as it is. Let’s just leave it at this; The Dark Knight Trilogy, as good as they were, are NOT good Batman movies. If you disagree (and I know you do) I direct you to the comments section and here have a nice sprits of troll repellent for good measure.