We all know a guy who’s a little too sure of himself, a little too obnoxious and attention-starved, and probably the most annoyingly trendy dude in the room at any given time. The typical douche can be found anywhere he isn’t wanted, making grandiose claims and sometimes belittling others to satisfy his own insecurities. (If you have never known anyone like this, you’re probably the douche.)
Strange to think then, that while we often shun these blights on social circles in real life, we pay absurd amounts of money each Wednesday to invite some of the biggest douches ever into our homes, in our comic books.
That’s right, kiddies. Take a close look at your favorite superhero. Chances are he’s a giant douche, and were he real, the last thing you’d want is to be in any type of social gathering with him. Need proof?
Spider-Man is an interesting specimen because his alter-ego, Peter Parker, is the least douche-y guy there is. He’s quiet, humble, geeky, and swoons over his many sexy girlfriends. He loves his old Aunt May and takes crap from his douche boss J. Jonah Jameson. But when that arachnid-themed mask goes on, it’s Douche City, and Spider-Man is the Mayor. Just see above where he chides his friend Daredevil for…being blind. Ouch, Spidey. And whenever he’s fighting to save Gwen or MJ from some whacky animal-themed science experiment villain, he constantly makes with the insults and smart-ass quips. You have to wonder if Pete really loves this aspect of the vigilante game; being able to channel the bullied nerd aggression in the most douche-tastic fashion.
King of the Douches Tony Stark will make more than one appearance on this list. That’s how big of a d-bag he is. From drunkenly operating a weapon of mass destruction to putting notches in his bedpost then having his secretary Pepper “take out the trash”, Stark has the market cornered on walking hygiene products(in extravagant metal suits no less!). Did you know he once even locked up a bunch of innocent superheroes and was partly responsible for Captain America’s death? That’s why he’s royalty in the House of Massengill, folks.
The G**damn Batman takes it to the next level. Here, we see him in rare form though as he mercilessly calls a newly-orphaned Dick Grayson “retarded”. This is a more extreme take on the Bat, but he has been known in regular continuity to do things like collect information on how to kill the entire Justice League and let it slip into the wrong hands. More like Douche Knight, if you ask me. We know his son Damian is a little mini-douche extraordinaire, so maybe it’s hereditary. Get the scientists to work finding the “douchebag gene” immediately.
A mindless being of rage and destruction, the Hulk is the type of guy who flaunts his muscles, wears ostentatious purple pants, and is always shouting about how he “is the strongest there is”. He demolishes entire towns then “just wants to be left alone”. Way to own up to your responsibilities, “Banner’s Eve”. Not the kind of guy you’d want as a buddy.
There’s Stark again, finding his way into so many nether-cleansing scenarios that he’s on here twice, this time with…get this: Namor, Black Bolt, Professor X, Mr. Fantastic, and Dr. Strange. What happens when you round up the Marvel Universe’s biggest douches and they go about making decisions for the rest of the world? Well, you get events like the Hulk being tricked and sent into space, after which he returns(keep in mind, Hulk is also douchiest there is), and sets about destroying the world. Yes, Marvel is full of these ego-maniacs, and the Illuminati, though formed with the noblest of intentions, have actually indirectly, if not directly caused many of the biggest disasters in recent comics history. From accidentally starting the Skrull Secret Invasion after pissing those shape-shifters off, to letting the highly-unstable and nearly omnipotent Sentry join the Avengers, these dudes could easily fill their own feminine hygiene aisle.
ALL OF THE ASGARDIANS
Now this final entry could be misinterpreted as racist or bigoted if Asgardians were real, but they aren’t. Yes, the entire race of beings from that shiny realm up above are some of the worst offenders on this list, but it’s not all their fault. They come to Earth and everyone just casually throws the word “god” around just because they call themselves that? Well, if you feed a douchebag, it will only get douchier, and now you’ve got Thor dropping their entire golden city of Asgard into rural Oklahoma like it’s no big deal, and Volstagg drunkenly meandering the streets, scaring the crap out of the simple folk of Broxton.
There you have it, friends. Take it from me, we douches can smell our own kind. What say you? Do you think I’m being unfair or do you know of some other douches worth mentioning?