GAME OF THRONES 3.01 Review: Valar Dohaeris. Or, How Bronn Got His Groove Back


OH MY GOD YOU GUYS IT TOTALLY HAPPENED!

After what feels like seven million years since the end of Game of Thrones’ second season, the third season (based on what is clearly the best book of the series, A Storm of Swords) is here. And, even though Valar Dohaeris is mostly about re-setting the board for the next season, it manages to be incredibly satisfying.

So, let’s see where all our players are!

DANY: Daenerys’ treatment in season two got a lot of flack (some of which was deserved), but honestly, I think it did a good job of literalizing the dilemma’s she faced in the book in a clear, if heavy handed, way. This season, however, her story is much stronger out of the gate. In this episode, which sees her off to Astapor from Qarth to find an army, she’s goes sea-faring, slave shopping and SPOILERIFIC STRANGER MEETING. Not that I’m counting, but I think Dany did more in her 10 minutes of screentime in this episode than in most of last season.

Also there was nipplectomy…

and this…

Jon: While Jon Snow’s story might not be better on screen than it is in the books, it is at least just as effective at getting inside Jon’s head. Jon spends quite a chunk of this book flipping his hair out of his eyes and feeling emo about pretending to leave the Night’s Watch, killing Qhorin Halfhand, and falling in love with Ygritte. But at the same time he’s seeing a whole new world, one that has FUCKING GIANTS and badass dudes like MANCE FUCKING RAYDER. Having Kit Harrington’s ACT all of that emotional drama frees up screentime to focus on all of the amazing wildling characters like Tormund “Bow to my farts” Giantsbane.

Giants! They’re HUGE!

Tyrion: Obviously, everyone wants to get back to their Beloved Tyrion and this episode makes fans of the Half-Man wait for it. But the payoffs, a confrontation with Cersei and another with Tywin, is incredible. The acting in this scene is just unbelievable. Charles Dance’s Tywin delivers an elegantly cruel rejection of his son and Tyrion’s visible mix of rejection and seething rage is further proof that Peter Dinklage deserves the Nobel Prize for acting (they do that, right?). Ser Bronn (upjumped from sellsword to knight by King Joffrey) manages a few zingers (“Oh, it’s Ser What’s-His-Name of House Nobody-Cares!”) in-between getting pulled away from the brothel and renegotiating his rate of pay. Seriously, I don’t care how much it violates the established story, I want to see a Tyrion and Bronn buddy comedy. Someone even came up with a name.

Tyrion’s sad/rage face.

Robb: Robb was in the show for all of ten tacked-on seconds, designed to remind all of us that he’s still a Kingly dude doing Kingly stuff. I mean, I could explain what happened, but nothing important happened.

HOWEVER, Roose Fucking Bolton was in every single one of those ten seconds, and I was sufficiently creeped out.

Sansa: Sansa didn’t get much to do this episode, besides a brief conversation with LIttlefinger about their nascent scheme to get her out of King’s Landing. And, while I appreciated the perviness that Aidan Gillien brings to his portrayal of Baelish, I still found his interaction with Sansa less interesting than her interactions with The Dog.

Davos: Davos’ story was the perhaps the most dramatic part of the show. The show finds him dying of exposure after the battle of Blackwater. After being rescued by Sallador Saan, Davos heads back to Dragonstone to meet Stannis and to cut out Mellissandre’s heart. What he gets instead is a nearly wordless confrontation with a thoroughly broken Stannis, a brutal burn from Melissandre (let’s not make fun of Davos’ dead sons, cool?) and tossed in jail. Thanks for coming home, Davos!

King Stannis: happy to see his best friend and most trusted knight.

King Joffrey: This episode was all about comparing queen-to-be Margaery to King Joffrey. Remember Joffrey? Remember how he totally chumped out during the battle and fled like a crybaby? Good, because apparently EVERYONE IN KING’S LANDING DOES TOO. Watching Joffrey hide in his box while Margaery Tyrell walks among the common folks puts these characters into stark distinction. Joff is a coward who loves power over people. Margaery is a political schemer that knows that the support of the ruled is what makes a ruler. Cersei, for her part, knows only that this new bitch is muscling in on her turf as queen and mother. Their dinnertime confrontation is the one of the better, and most necessary, “not in the books” moments.

Briene: No appearance. (Are you kidding me?)

Jaime: No appearance. (Seriously, WTF writers?)

Arya: No appearance (I will kill you if you exclude any more of my favorite characters)

Gratuitous Sex Meter: Surprisingly little. Bronn’s time at the brothel get’s interrupted by Pod and, otherwise, the show was fairly light on the freakiness. In fact, the most prominent nipple got cut off by a slave-trader. Uncool, dude.

Ye Olde Ultraviolence: Surprisingly light here too. There’s a white walker fight (THANK GOD FOR GHOST!) and an ultimately bloodless stand-off between Bronn and some Goldcloaks, but otherwise this show was all about talking. Oh, and nipplectomies.

Major book changes: Sansa watching boats; Shae and Ros, Littlefinger’s scheme; and Davos confronting Stannis never happened in the books. Also, the Arstan Whitebeard plot was removed entirely and replaced with HEY WHERE THE HELL IS STRONG BELWAS?

Bummers: No Arya

Besties: This Joke

Overall: I thought this one was a solid B+. It did the job of setting the board for the machinations and movements of the upcoming season in a perfectly enjoyable way and it even managed a few memorable scenes. That said, it was a touch light on plot and more than a little light on ARYA STARK. What did you all think?

S#!T Talking Central

  • Somegirl

    Just wanted to give you props for a great title to this review. For my money, the Bronn scenes were the best part of this episode, extraneous to moving the plot forward or not. You did a good job capturing the high points, and I pretty much agree with your overall rating and assessment.

    • Kevin

      Thanks for the love. For the record, BRONN ALL THE WAY.