DESOLATION OF SMAUG Is #1 Again, But It Still Kinda Sucks

Alright, before you eager hordes of egg-nog imbibing fanboys storm our lofty Newark HQ, let me squarely announce: I LOVE PETER JACKSON’S MIDDLE-EARTH. The original Lord of The Rings trilogy informed my entire geeky being, reinforcing my comic indulging, video game inhaling, Whedon laced childhood. And even though I love the Hobbit movies for the over indulgent Middle-Earth eye candy that they surely are(I’d watch Martin Freeman pick his teeth, as long as he’s in Bilbo garb and situated squarely underhill), they’re not really quality adaptations. That’s a cheap criticism, I suppose, because you could easily say that about any book-to-movie if you want to add weight to your grievances. But I stand by it. The Hobbit movies aren’t quality adaptations, as (for example) The Lord of The Rings flicks were. Forget Tauriel, the expanded Necromancer role, and the addition of Azog… those subplots aren’t what I’m talking about.

Each second of the original Lord of The Rings was a mithril soaked mouthful of pure ambrosia. These characters, though so obviously members of a high fantasy world, felt real. Sure, we saw our fair share of swords, sorcery, and a few anachronistic scenes (Legolas skateboarding on a orc-shield?), but it felt real. Tangible. Like I was only a single time-travelling machine short of reaching Middle-Earth. Because that’s something we’ve all considered… “Man, if I just had a time travelling machine, I’d go back to the Civil War. Or the Rise of Rome. Or the Battle of Helm’s Deep” Sure, it was fantasy, but it felt real.

The Hobbit movies don’t. They feel… weird. Perhaps it’s the difference between Practical effects (makeup, prosthetics, miniatures) and CGI. In fact, I’m almost entirely certain that’s where most of the fault rests, in those computer reliant choices of director Peter Jackson. Still… there’s more missing. I remember when we were first introduced to Rohan in The Two Towers, those lofty old-world fiddles coating every shot; poetic scenes of the royal standard falling from the height of Edoras to the barren plain below. These slow, languid scenes hit their mark. An arrow right to that little pocket of emotions in your belly.

Peter Jackson tried to scribble a few scenes in this vain, but they were all somewhat hollow. Watching Thorin and the dwarves stare into the Eastern expanse, while meant to inspire hope/sorrow/nostalgia for their lost homeland, felt like an obvious directorial chore. When Sam and Frodo slowly gaze at the mist soaked bogs on the border of Mordor, you (in some way) empathize with their burden. It resonated. And for whatever reason (the computer effects, or the lack of real jeopardy, the focus on comedy, or the “fairy-talization” of Middle-Earth), The Hobbit doesn’t.

Oh yeah, The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug earned $29.8 million at theatres this weekend, bringing it to a $614 million worldwide gross. You know, if ya’ actually came here for news or anything.