Welcome to With Great Chutzpah Comes Great Responsibility, your every other week dose of Jews and comics.

When a boy becomes a Bar Mitzvah, he is considered a man–kinda, sorta. What makes a “man” is debatable since most comic readers are in their 30s and have yet to hit many life milestones, but at 13 we’re obliged to start following the commandments. And we get to have a party. Everyone–our cousins, our Hebrew school classmates, our siblings–have to kiss our tuchas, and give us gifts.

Most people gave me money, which sounded great, but was garbage because my parents hoarded it away for college, which I had no interest in at the time. Others gave me books on Judaism, also worthless at that age. Some shmendrik even gave me an overpriced pen. WHY?

I was easy to shop for. My Bar Mitzvah theme was comics, damnit. All they had to do was buy me comics. Still, even that can be screwed up, as this list will prove.

The 5 Worst Comic-Related Bar and Bat Mitzvah Presents

Spider-Man Kippah

What type of mutant spider-clone mess is that? An evil, hand-less doppelganger from an alternative universe sent to make you look like a total schmuck. 

Do NOT buy it here!

Female Force: Barbra Streisand Comic

No teenaged boy or girl wants to read a comic about their mother’s favorite celebrity. Don’t get me wrong, Babs is a total hip, liberal bad@$$, but not to a teenager whose main goal in life is to make out with Wonder Woman.

Do NOT buy it here!

Theadore Hertzl Action Figure

Have you ever smashed your action figures together so hard that one of their arms fell off? Of course you have, because that is what action figures are meant to do. They are not meant to give Zionist speeches and hand out political pamphlets. Although this is not exactly comic-related, I could see some poor fanboy or fangirl being given this lameness by a horribly misguided relative.

Do NOT buy it here!

Foreskin Man Comics

Remember this classic comic starring Aryan hunk, Foreskin Man as he battles the evil Monster Mohel? As cool as Monster Mohel’s Hassidic Henchmen look packing heat, if you give this to a Jewish boy or girl they will definitely tell you to cut it. (hahahaha, get it. It was a circumcision joke).

Do NOT buy this anti-Semitic propaganda here!

Magneto Stuffed Animal

Why would anyone think it is a good idea to make a stuffed animal that looks like a mutant, extremist murderer? I am Magneto’s biggest fan, but I’m not interested in snuggling with him. Also, I am pretty sure this stuffed Magneto is from the same alternative universe as that Spider-thing on the Kippah.    

Do NOT buy it here!

What are the worst comic-related Bar and Bat Mitzvah presents you can think of?