Imagine, just for one horrible second, that we didn’t end up with Nolan’s opus in the form of The Dark Knight Rises, imagine if in pre-production some work experience kid had sent off a notice with a grave typo and we ended up with:
The Dark Knight Crises
We all know that Bruce Wayne is a bit older this time around than in The Dark Knight, and even Batman will succumb to the question that haunts all men as they get older: What am I doing with my life? He can’t keep fighting these goons forever after all. Well normally when a guy hits his mid life crisis he goes off and buys a nice car or something but, well, Bruce Wayne is no stranger to the luxury lifestyle. Instead, sometimes they start to hang out with younger people… Oh hey Robin! This melodrama would focus on Batman’s fall into depression and how this bright tight-clad young buck helps him out of his slump. Yeah, I’d walk out too…
The Dark Knight Roses
Gotham is always so dark and gloomy. Doesn’t anything good ever happen there? All it needs is a bit of sprucing up. Who better for the job than Batman and his new floral shop! Sure fans may be taken aback by the colour scheme including more than just your standard greys and blacks, but before long they’ll yearn for the site of Crime Alley decked out in petunias. What is a story without conflict though, and Poison Ivy is sure as hell pissed off that Batman has moved in on her market. She had the monopoly on Gotham’s horticulture before the Dark Knight got into the roses game, and a deadly game it is.
Who knew, when Batman visited Hong Kong in The Dark Knight it was really a sneak peak of the next film in trilogy? That’s right, Batman must try to infiltrate the corrupt food networks of Hong Kong by setting up an independent rice shop to fight against the system. In doing so he can attract the attention of the Triad bosses who have been shipping ‘fear toxin’ laced rice to Gotham’s inhabitants and bring them down once and for all. Unfortunately for Batman, in China the bat is a symbol of luck and prosperity so his guise isn’t really very effective.
The Dark Night Rises
I can see the headlines now: “Warner Bros have been sued under the Troll act of 2012 for purposefully misleading audiences into seeing a documentary based on lunar eclipses”. During production they knew this film wasn’t going to find a big market and to combat the outrageous licensing fees of Jaffa Cakes’ famed ‘Full moon, Half moon, Total Eclipse’ diagrammatic representation of the lunar event they decided to cancel production on the third film of the Dark Knight trilogy and pulled a bait and switch to get this into cinemas instead!
The Park Knight Rises
It’s all well and good making the highest grossing film of all times in all dimensions of the multiverse, but sometimes you have to look yourself in the eye and think about what you’ve done to make the world a better place. Nolan’s conscience got the better of him and he decided that on this momentous platform he had made for himself he would preach the good word of the ecowarrior. Cue Batman and his attempts to clean up the parks of Gotham from all manner of littering. Clayface is up to his dirty old tricks and sludging up the place but Batman will stop at nothing to make Gotham green once more.
I guess we should just thank whatever power of good there is in the universe that Christopher Nolan knows how to read…