After scrambling out of bed in a bourbon fueled haze and downing my ever faithful hangover cure (rice powder, chili flakes, and Sprite… trust me, it works), I decided to misuse the first few hours of my workday by cruising the dangerous back alleys of the interwebs, as one’s wont to do. I eventually stumbled onto Reddit, where I unearthed one of the greatest twists in all of fandom.
Better than Papa Vader’s “I am your father”.
Far superior to Bruce Willis’s ghosty ways in Sixth Sense.
Even greater than Gandalf’s return as Aryan Jesus in LOTR.
I’m talking about Ewoks people! You know those cuddly little bears from RETURN OF THE JEDI? Yeah… the same ones you named your Shih Tzu after (RIP Wicket… you died too soon, and my rear bumper will never look the same). Well, I hate to break it to you, but they’re cannibals. Maybe that’s playing a little too loose with terms, since the furry fuckers are technically a different species than humans, but it’s still sentient-munching-sentient action.
Allow my good friend, and occasional Jedi acolyte, Nameless88 explain it to you…
The first time we meet the Ewoks in the series, they capture Luke and the crew, and C3PO translates that basically their intent is they’re going to eat them. This is before C3PO gets treated like a God and gets them to let his friends go.
…In the end scene in the movie, they’ve just defeated the Death Star, blew that son of a bitch sky high, and the Ewoks are having a feast.
…What exactly are the Ewoks eating? There is a xylophone made of storm trooper skulls and chest plates…and they’re having a feast.
The Ewoks aren’t celebrating the death of the Empire. They don’t even understand anything about the socioeconomic structure of the galaxy outside of their little forest. They thought C3PO was a God, so clearly they are unaware of technology. Their celebration wasn’t because of Freedom, it was because they just got the motherload of tender human flesh vittles.
That cute little Ewok plushie you had as a kid? You know the one. Wicket? Yeah, that little fucker eats people.
And, by extension, the entire main cast of Star Wars might be cannibalistic, too. I mean, I dunno. They’re attending the banquet. Hopefully they had some fruit there, too, and some berries that the Ewok women scavenged from the forest. I’m really hoping Luke and the gang didn’t try the veal.
Freaky shit, right? If only George Lucas had emphasized this little tidbit in the flick, then the final battle would be a little less lame. I couldn’t have been the only one unimpressed with the “Care Bears save the day!” deus ex.
Rave Yoda understands my pain…