CONTRARIAN FANBOY: I Will Always Hate BLADE RUNNER


The always amazing Garth Franklin of Dark Horizons sums up perfectly the kinds of movies that, though they may be impeccably crafted and masterfully composed, fail to connect with audiences on an emotional level. These, “remarkable chores” as Franklin called them (as in, the opposite of a guilty pleasure), separate what are the best of films from what are often our favorite films. These films may be admirable, they may even have some rewatch value, but they don’t really inspire any kind of particular loyalty.

Franklin also mentions how fascinating it is to meet someone who genuinely likes a film he considers a remarkable chore. I admit that these conversations can be interesting, but they can also be infuriating, especially when one (meaning me) is in the minority. For the life of me I can never understand why so many people love some of the films they do when, to my mind, those films are really just remarkable chores. For me the most utterly unworthy of the praise it has received (from, you know, everyone) is Ridley Scott’s Blade Runner.

It’s still a good poster.

I know that BR has left quite the legacy. On a purely aesthetic level it has definitely influenced the cyberpunk and urban sci-fi genres, and the whole world of televisual sci-fi in general. It did a lot to legitimize Philip K. Dick (and that’s nice, right?). Along with Star Wars and a few other films, Blade Runner essentially paved the way for big budget, cinematic sci-fi. For these things I will always be thankful that Blade Runner exists.

But with god as my witness I will never watch that movie again if I can prevent it. It is a chore of a film to get through. In fact, I’ve found that when I must watch it (as in, when a fellow nerd makes me) I have to watch it the same way I watch David Lynch’s Dune film, that is, on silent with the addition of my own soundtrack. And don’t think that I haven’t tried the various cuts, re-cuts, directors editions, and definitive editions because I really really have and they each reinforce my opinion that Blade Runner is a lifeless, dull, dud of a film. The movie is such a mess that they had to make it, like, a bazillion times for it to even make sense. AND IT ONLY BARELY MAKES SENSE.

And what’s crazy is that, as an elevator pitch, Blade Runner should TOTALLY work. What’s not to like about a band of desperate replicants (humanoid robots) on a last ditch mission to outwit their in-bred termination dates while a cop hunts them down? Sounds exciting, right?

But here’s what you really get: a series of whispered conversations in dimly lit rooms, the odd chase scene, and a roof-top fight scene all intercut with some beautiful images. None of the premise’s potential for drama actually makes it into the film. If the replicants are desperate to prevent their untimely demise, you can never tell by their acting. Not a one of them ever seems too put out by their impending doom. Deckard, the titular “blade runner,” brought back from retirement for one last job,(“THEY KEEP PULLING ME BACK IN!”) never seems too interested in, well, anything (except for ordering noodles which is about the only time Harrison Ford transcends his loathing for Ridley Scott and actually, you know, acts). The only person who seems like he’s having ANY kind of emotional experience is Rutger Hauer’s Roy Batty and yet, rather than investing his character with the desperation that his situation demands, Hauer seems content to villainously chew the scenery.

Mmmm. Noodles.

And what gorgeous scenery it is! Seriously, I’m not being snide. It is hard to truly hate Blade Runner because it is so impeccably crafted. And yet, unlike similarly well made films (Star Wars and LOTR come to mind) I find myself appreciating the craft of the spectacle, rather than the actual movie. I very rarely watch Star Wars and think about the gorgeous matte paintings and detailed miniatures. When I watch Star Wars I’m usually so engaged with the story that I don’t even stop to think about the visual handicraft behind it.

I get it, it’s gorgeous.

This is meant to be dramatic. Notice the sleepy expressions.

And that’s the major failing of Blade Runner. There is never an opportunity to emotionally invest in the film, the story, or any of the characters. There are dozens of reasons for this but the main one is that they’re not even really characters: they’re roles. Ex-cop, wanted man, damsel in distress. The script doesn’t breathe any kind of life into these characters and, if the lore is true, Ridley Scott was more interested in treating the actors as if they were talking props to be photographed and not so interested in treating them as actors trying to invest scenes with life and emotion.

The result is a movie that is gorgeous but remote. Austere might be the right word for it. Distant, cold, and alienating are other words I often use to describe it. But now I just call it a Remarkable Chore. I’m sorry everyone, but I can’t stand Blade Runner.