PETTY FANBOY GRIPE: Thor, Lightning, and Thunder

Like the title suggests, this editorial will be entirely consumed by a minor, petty, but kinda legitimate fanboy gripe. So if you think you’re ready for it, let’s uncork this chilled bottle of delicious whine and get down to business.

If there’s one striking characteristic of THE AVENGERS‘ resident silver screen deity, besides the fact that he’s a f***ing blond badass wielding a really short hammer, it’s his mastery of one of the most amazing forces of nature… LIGHTNING. With every swing of mighty Mjolnir, the Odinson unleashes the power of Asgardian storms, destroying everything in his path… or at least he should, but we’ve never really seen that on film.

Sure, his first outing in Kenneth Branagh’s creatively titled THOR included a few glimpses of unbridled bolts of electric energy, but that was only specific to the fight scene on Jotunheim (the Ice Giant homeworld for all ye’ slackers).   With so few superhero tools, you think he’d use it more, especially in all of those duels with his bratty little brother.

“What’s that Loki?  You’re trying to take over the world again?  Yea, we should totally just fight hand to hand, even though I can fly and stuff”

The sparcity was even worse in Joss Whedon’s AVENGERS. At least Branagh allowed Thor’s magical lightning to be entirely destructive, wiping out miles of an icey planet surface in one strike (see trailer below). Jossy only ever used a few bolts at a time and they were always the skinny, unimpressive ones.

I like my lightning thick, long, and… never mind.

That kinda sounds like I’m talking about something else. Which I wasn’t, in case anyone asks.

And how about that thunder? Thor is, after all, the god of that skyborn cacophony. It should be his trademark, his calling card.

Allow me to shamelessly use Batman as an example. In almost every Caped Crusader film, a group of baddies are fumbling around in an abandoned warehouse, when suddenly the lights go out. The gangsters, drug dealers, or what have you will simultaneously s*** themselves as the sound of a giant flapping cape fills the room. Then BAM… the Batman reveal.

Thunder is totally cooler than a billowing piece of cloth!

Imagine a handful of Dark Elves are being mischievous and all around dbags. They’re accosting a group of innocents, content with their latest bout of evil, when all of a sudden… THUNDER!

And their Viking themed undies are now filled with chocolate pudding! They’ve literally been thunderstruck.

Not the AC/DC kind, though. We’ll save that bit of Rock and Roll fever for Robert Downey Jr.

So please, Marvel Studios, appease my minor fanboy gripe. Rock my world with some earth shattering, ear drum rupturing, genital erecting lightning and thunder effects.

You know, if you feel like it. I don’t want to sound too needy.