On this lazy Monday morning, I decided to hobble onto my old war horse of a laptop, as one does when they’re nursing a bourbon induced hangover, and I came across one of those most brilliant fan theories I’ve ever seen.
I suppose, before I dive any further, I should give 100% of the credit to blogger Amit Bhaumik, who came up with this idea after a few too many Prequel Trilogy binges.
Now… regarding Darth Vader’s parentage…
Contrary to popular belief, Anakin Skywalker wasn’t born from a virgin birth (as the movies implied), and he certainly wasn’t the result of Darth Plagueis’s dying force-powered wish (as we heard in the books). No, instead poor little Anakin Skywalker was the son of the filthy junkyard buzzard, Watto.
Now, I know you must be thinking “That can’t be true. That’s impossible!”, but just hear me out. Despite whatever mismatching genomes and DNA that Watto must possess as a Toydarian, he’s still a humanoid, and that means he’s more than qualified to knock up the human Shmi. At least, according to the general tropes of Sci-Fi (I’m looking at you, Spock).
And why don’t we take a closer look at Shmi. When Jedi Master Qui Gon Jinn first inquires about Ani’s heritage, Shmi gives him an answer that’s just a bit too Jesus-ey for my tastes.
There was no father. I carried him, I gave birth, I raised him… I can’t explain what happened.
That doesn’t really seem possible, does it? But if you analyze the situation a bit more, you’ll realize that Shmi’s answer wasn’t sincere, and that she was lying to conceal her shame. Her slave master, Watto, was the true father of Anakin, but Shmi was too embarrassed to admit it, especially in the face of other humans. After all, slave owners have been historically known to sexually abuse their slaves (I’m looking at you, Jabba).
As if that’s not enough proof, why don’t we examine Anakin’s surname: Skywalker. Again, when we look at societies that support slavery, we find that the slaves often bear the family names of their owners. Watto, being a Toydarian, doesn’t frequently walk, but instead flies… hovering above the ground as he strolls around the junkyard. In fact, you could almost say that he WALKS IN THE SKY, or rather, that he is a SKYWALKER.
Did your mind just explode? Yeah… I expected that to happen. Don’t worry, take a few rolls of Bounty and scrub that blood & gray matter off your linoleum floors.
Alright, now that you’ve had a few moments to recuperate, what do you think of this fan theory? Have we found Darth Vader’s pappy?