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We Discovered DARTH VADER’s Father!

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 We Discovered DARTH VADERs Father!

On this lazy Monday morning, I decided to hobble onto my old war horse of a laptop, as one does when they’re nursing a bourbon induced hangover, and I came across one of those most brilliant fan theories I’ve ever seen.

I suppose, before I dive any further, I should give 100% of the credit to blogger Amit Bhaumik, who came up with this idea after a few too many Prequel Trilogy binges.

Now… regarding Darth Vader’s parentage…

Contrary to popular belief, Anakin Skywalker wasn’t born from a virgin birth (as the movies implied), and he certainly wasn’t the result of Darth Plagueis’s dying force-powered wish (as we heard in the books). No, instead poor little Anakin Skywalker was the son of the filthy junkyard buzzard, Watto.

 We Discovered DARTH VADERs Father!

Now, I know you must be thinking “That can’t be true. That’s impossible!”, but just hear me out. Despite whatever mismatching genomes and DNA that Watto must possess as a Toydarian, he’s still a humanoid, and that means he’s more than qualified to knock up the human Shmi. At least, according to the general tropes of Sci-Fi (I’m looking at you, Spock).

 We Discovered DARTH VADERs Father!

This is Shmi Skywalker, or Mama Vader as I like to call her

And why don’t we take a closer look at Shmi. When Jedi Master Qui Gon Jinn first inquires about Ani’s heritage, Shmi gives him an answer that’s just a bit too Jesus-ey for my tastes.

There was no father. I carried him, I gave birth, I raised him… I can’t explain what happened.

That doesn’t really seem possible, does it? But if you analyze the situation a bit more, you’ll realize that Shmi’s answer wasn’t sincere, and that she was lying to conceal her shame. Her slave master, Watto, was the true father of Anakin, but Shmi was too embarrassed to admit it, especially in the face of other humans. After all, slave owners have been historically known to sexually abuse their slaves (I’m looking at you, Jabba).

As if that’s not enough proof, why don’t we examine Anakin’s surname: Skywalker. Again, when we look at societies that support slavery, we find that the slaves often bear the family names of their owners. Watto, being a Toydarian, doesn’t frequently walk, but instead flies… hovering above the ground as he strolls around the junkyard. In fact, you could almost say that he WALKS IN THE SKY, or rather, that he is a SKYWALKER.

watto star wars darth vader dad We Discovered DARTH VADERs Father!

Did your mind just explode? Yeah… I expected that to happen. Don’t worry, take a few rolls of Bounty and scrub that blood & gray matter off your linoleum floors.

Alright, now that you’ve had a few moments to recuperate, what do you think of this fan theory? Have we found Darth Vader’s pappy?

S#!T Talking Central

  • FTL_Zeus

    This is the dumbest article in the history of the internet.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=15935803 Fats Mclemlich

      you’re the dumbest articel in the history ofthe internet

      • Grahamy

        At least he can spell “article” properly….

      • SubSumeYou

        Douche bag.

      • Eldo

        Suck my astronomical cock, you ignorant fatso.

        • No

          Sure, I can handle three inches.

    • Eldo

      You are being too generous, my friend…

  • DERP

    OH HELL NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Eric Thompson

    explain why the skywalkers are so strong in the force… and why that flying booger didnt show any force abilities

    • similarly

      Perhaps the flying booger DID show force abilities: remember, Qui-Gon’s mind control didn’t work on Watto.

      C’mon, guys. Even if it were TRUE, it would HARDLY be the stupidest thing in the prequels.

  • chclttrffls


    • Robert

      Yeah, now they’ll be a bunch of Watto & Shmi rape slash fiction. Thank the author for opening up this depraved floodgate. >:)

      • chclttrffls

        We will ALL be haunted by the recurring nightmares that end in the conception of Hayden Christianson.

  • Victor H. Ferreira

    That theory could be possible but……….Where does the Midi-chlorians enter in all this? What I’m referring to is if that theory was true then either Watto or Shmi Skywalker had to have a greater amount of Midi-chlorians than any normal person or creature as determined in the STAR WARS universe. Soooo that means that Shmi Skywalker or Watto could have been a Jedi or Sith knight? WTF!!!! This all seems crazy!!! To be honest with all you guys I just think that theory is not possible. Watto could have had sexual relations with Shmi but that doesn’t mean that she would conceive a human baby or humanoide baby. We don’t know that because it might or might not be possible to breed humans off of other creatures or monsters in the STAR WARS universe…..the results would be a mutant. So that means Anakin would be the PERFECT MUTANT if that theory was correct. PERFECT becuase his Midi-chlorian count would be PERFECT (more than normal). We all know that happened in The Phantom Menace because Qui-Gon Jinn said so, but to be the PERFECT MUTANT? UUUMMMMM….That still has to be considered for investigation with our best friend George Lucas. The only thing is that Shmi could have had a large amount of Midi-chlorians but never had the knowledge to develop her ability to use the force, just like Leia and Luke did; because I don’t think that no good Watto could have had that large amount of Midi-chlorians…..HELL NO!!!! Watto is doble crossed and slow and even a clone tropoper would have blast that flying Pinocchio to pieces. So to wrap all this up….I believe in what Unleash The Fanboy states….it’s “Jesus-ey” like the story of Jesus (and I’m stating this because I’m not a looney fanatic of religion)…..so The force acted mysteriously in that conceived human baby boy and the rest is history….just like Jesus.
    MAY THE FORCE BE WITH ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Robert

      Midi-Chlorians are sexually transmitted, like herpes! Watto is too big to flap his wings continuously and hover all day long; It’s very energy consumptive for humming birds, which weigh next to nothing. Force power would be needed to augment his flying ability without which he’d die of starvation quicker than he could say his name. After Watto showed Shmi his “second trunk”, she has a child with all the Midi-chlorians he could ask for. The only problem with this theory as you suggested is it’s not likely he’d be human if breeding was possible. I’d think a human/toydarian hybrid would have atleast a few features from the other parent (trunk, wings, etc.)

      • DoigtDuPeuple

        Well… Anankin did have that stupid attitude when he grew up.. just like Watto… LMAOS!!!!.. Can’t believe we,re debatting this article!! MOUAHAAHAHHHAAH!!

      • Victor H. Ferreira

        Your right!!!! And I agree to what you say. So you see guys….in other words that theory is baloney or boloney!!!!! Let’s move on with the next discussion…….NEXT!!!!!!!!

  • selfdestruct94

    The “Skywalker” play on words is the best thing I’ve heard all day. This theory actually makes that stupid fucking prequel trilogy just a little bit bearable.

  • Darth Bane

    Neglect the whole fact that before Watto they were owned by Gardulla the Hutt ..You owe me 4 minutes of my life back!

  • Benjamin Ansin

    Shouldn’t little Annie be half Tondarian then and have little wings and a trunk?

  • Annon76

    Hands down the dumbest piece of Star Wars reading I have ever come across. First and last visit to this website.

  • acrossalloceans

    well that was a waste of time. cant believe i even took the bait.

  • Eldo

    This mess of an “article” is a misleading piece of crap.

  • JEDI

    This Piece of Animal trash! Just wants attention! Just because His father was probably a Donkey!!!!!!!! That’s why!!!!!!! He’s an ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!


    Who cares. Star Wars is old, cliched, and stupid. SW fanboys are the worst people in the world

  • Khosi Nghozi

    Lol. I should have been high for this! Lmfao! This is a possible theory in the same sense that the dubbed “I’m the juggernaught b**tch!” epsode of FOX”S XMEN (see YouTube) is a possible scripted episode. Ridiculous. But a really good whopper. Lol. Nuts.

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